"Worth-Dogg, did you give us that porn?"
I looked over at Joe, said nothing, but smiled wickedly.
"I knew that was you! I told Angela that was you. Slipping that porno DVD into the wedding gifts."
I chuckled softly. "I thought maybe you'd blame Pat or J D."
"That was like the best ever. You killed everyone. Let me tell you what happened ... "
Angela and Joe got hitched last week. That ceremony was, far away, one of the most entertaining weddings I'd ever attended.
This occurred in a meeting hall, near Joe T's, in Northside. So close, Zelda and I could have walked from our home. We cruised in, saw Pat, Sharon, Kim, and hooked up with them. Our group sat near the front as the beatings commenced.
There was no priest involved, since Joe was a confirmed sinner. Divorced man. Angela suffered her own anxieties. No one knew that, except everyone in the rented meeting hall. Several hundred attendees.
Anyway, no idea who that official was. Elder, deacon, justice of the peace, parole officer. Whoever. He started breaking balls immediately.
"Marriage vows are serious. The marriage covenant is not to be entered into lightly. This is not something silly, this is not a joke, this is not a trial period. Marriage-Is-A-Serious-Undertaking."
Joe stood there, nodding his head at a weary angle. Shaking his hand. Mildly bored. Stern lecture, all those admonishments, blah blah blah, bounced off his Teflon facade. He had flash backed to the school principal's office ... waiting ... Let's get this over with, man.
Angela, on the other hand, was slowly dying. Her head was bowed, she looked completely crestfallen. The message had been directed towards Joe, but she was the one who suffered. Highly unusual to see Angela behave so. If I was ever marching into a gunfight, I would definitely want Angela with me. She had that temper, and she could get excitable, but she was fearless and tough.
That afternoon, however, she was mortified.
Sharon was not helping.
Not surprisingly, Sharon's commentary was neither discreet nor whispered. Plus, we were near the front.
" ... just saying, any second that elastic's going to -- "
Pat elbowed her, shushing, "Stop! They'll hear you."
"I don't care. Can't dodge the truth."
"Be quiet!"
"What? Ain't like the room's filled with white canes and sunglasses. Folks got eyes, don't they?"
"Sssshhh!"
"I'm just saying."
" ... now pronounce you, Man and Wife."
Like Angela would ever be simply "and wife."
The ordeal concluded. The couple relaxed. The music DJ woke up and pounding cumbias throbbed from the speakers. At tables everywhere, hootch appeared, flasks and king size bottles. Zelda and I hugged Angela and congratulated the new pair. Then, as so often, we drifted away.
" ... so I had kinda passed out, you know? Angela and all the bridesmaids were tearing through the gifts. One of them screamed, 'Oh, look! Porn.' and they put it on."
"All these girls ... uh ... drinking?" I asked.
"Angela wasn't. Everyone else, champagne and wedding cake. Chick stuff."
"Yeah. Who was the one passing out again?"
"Anyway, they must've watched that video for half an hour before my cousin shook me awake, complaining."
"Took them long enough to get offended."
"What kind of porn is this?" Joe asked in a falsetto voice. "Who gave you this? And where are the women!"
The gift had been wrapped in red tissue paper. No name was written on it.
"So I glanced at the TV. I knew what that stupid video was immediately. Couldn't believe they'd been watching it all that time. Told 'em that was a backroom holdover. Told 'em there were no women cause it was gay porn."
I couldn't help it, I started laughing.
"Right away, Angela knew it was either you or J D. She's looking for you now."
Bummer. She'll get over it.
I hope.
.
No comments:
Post a Comment